By Karen Alpert
Popular blogger Karen Alpert stocks her hysterical tackle the various "joys" of parenting—I center My Little A-Holes is filled with hilarious tales, lists, options and photographs that may make you snigger so difficult you are going to want you have been donning a diaper.
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Extra resources for I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting
Thanks for reading it. Yeah, I could say more, but who the hell wants to read an introduction? Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin this shit with a bang. For the love of God, lady, it’s a locker room not a nudist colony So the other day I’m sitting in the locker room at the gym leaning over to tie my shoelaces when I look up and BAM, there’s a big ole giant vajayjay in my face. I shit you not. Less than a ruler’s length away from my eyes is someone else’s hoo-ha. The last time I was this close to a vajayjay, I was coming out of my mother.
How absolutely horrible is that? Did I really mean it? No, not really. Of course not. I never would have actually done it. But for a brief itty-bitty tiny moment I actually thought life might have been better if we decided to never have a child. And suddenly I understood how moms everywhere are struggling with postpartum depression. Imagine feeling like that for an extended period of time. How awful. Suddenly I saw an itsy-bitsy glimpse of what Susan Smith must have been feeling when she drove her poor little babies into that water.
But anyways, I’ll get to my point. So today we’re going in to get our big ultrasound to find out whether we’re having a boy or a girl. Well, really it’s to find out if all of its organs are where they’re supposed to be and shit, but what I most want to know is can I use all of those adorable little precious girl outfits we spent like a gazillion dollars on or do I have to go out and buy all new clothes for this little rug rat? I mean yeah the kidneys are important but there are some super cute dresses that still have the tags on them.